Within a couple weeks after I lost Bill. I had a promotion to do at Hannafords Pharmacy. It was my job to sign people up and get them to transfer their prescriptions. When you stand with a clip board at the front of the pharmacy, folks just tend to walk the other way.
I spoke with the Pharmacist and asked him if I could walk around the store and approach people while passing thru the isles. He agreed and so the minutes which seemed like hours, as I stood there doing 'nothing', now seemed more productive.
My anger continued with God. The questions, the deep sorrow, the agony of loosing my
Love. I symbolically shook my fist in the face of God. Odd though, because I still loved Him.
I circled the store and could turn it into a 15 min. sweep. At each circle I stopped at an endcap. At the endcap were Pine nuts. Over a period of two weeks, I stopped and pondered over the pine nuts. I would ask myself "What do pine nuts matter" "Who cares about them" Most people have never heard of them or what the are for" "They are over priced and basically worthless". The more I stopped and stared at them for my brief pass, the more I began to have deeper thoughts.
God made pine nuts. He is so huge, that he made something so insignificant.
The same God who made pine nuts, threw the stars across the sky, made the
depths of the ocean. He paints the dots on a little ladybug. This Creator also
made that beautiful little baby going by in a cart. Now if God is so big, that He
made pine nuts, He must have known what He was doing when He took Bill.
Whether I like it or not, He had a right to call His son home. He didn't need my
permission. I finally came to peace with God.
Battles are rough. But battles of the heart somehow have the deepest connection
with pain. Finding peace with God my Father about loosing Bill had a completeness
that carried with it an inner joy. Certainly not for Bill's absence, but with the One I
love so much, whom I took out my wrath on. My Father God.
The next day, having a peace I never thought would return. I decided to begin my
store cycle in the cheese section. I stood there and wondered which direction I would take. Not dressed in a red shirt like a Hannafords employee, I looked up and down the isle. Out of nowhere, a man approached me. He said "excuse me, can you tell me where the pine nuts are?"
Chills went down my leg. I told him "I sure could !" and he said he would get them later if I just told him. I did, and a circle around the store later, I passed him. He held up his pkg. of pine nuts and said "I found the pine nuts"
God is amazing. He still loves me. He held me up when I couldn't stand.
He held me up when I didn't deserve His love...